Sexerus
by NekoPen
Summary: Hermione returns early from her vacation and decides to surprise Severus, only to find Lavender Brown in his bed. Revenge, anyone?
1. 1 Home, sweet home

Sexerus

Okay, first off, I know the title for this fic is outrageous. At first it was a typo, but then I realized how hilarious it is. So okay, there's the mysterious tale behind that, lol. This fic is going to be cruel as ass to Severus, so if you can't afford to die from laughter, I highly suggest you don't read beyond this chapter (as this chapter is and will be the most serious out of the bunch) 

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the world in which he frolics.

~~~~~~~

"Don't, Severus. Don't you dare apologize to me." Hermione tried to force her tears back. She picked up her bag and turned to go.

She had come to his room that night to surprise him with her early return from her summer vacation. Now she knew why he never liked to be surprised; to him, it was being caught. Severus and Lavender Brown were canoodling like rabbits on the bed. Hermione, in her shock and rage, had fired a Blistering hex at Lavender which Severus had only partially healed before he stopped caring.

Severus lifted his hand to pull Hermione back, but he left it hanging in midair. The air was heavy in the darkened chamber where Severus still lay naked in his bed, desperately trying to find some way to mend the situation The problem was, Lavender couldn't stop making crying, whimpering noises under the sheets. 

"Hermione." He let her name hang in the space between them, trying to convince her to turn around. 

"No. I don't want to know. You just go ahead and keep fucking her, Severus, but don't you dare fuck around with me." With that, she left Severus' bedroom and slammed the door behind her. 

Severus heaved a deep sigh, trying to clear his head. Hermione's scent still lingered in the air; it was already foreign to him.

"S-severus?" Lavender peaked up from beneath the covers, eyes still red from crying. 

"What?" He snapped, annoyed at having to deal with her.

She turned her head, thinking of something to say, "…What'll happen now?"

He gave an annoyed grumble and replied harshly, "Just get out."

Severus was oddly satisfied at having made her cry with the statement, as if humiliating her would somehow stamp out his own humiliation. She was still crying as she got dressed, trying to hold in her hiccoughs. Lavender made sure to walk as slowly as possible, allowing Severus ample time to apologize for his rude behavior and beg for her to come back to bed. It didn't happen, though, and by the time she reached the dresser - which was, by the way, at least thirty feet from the door - Severus had gotten fed up and ended up throwing a coffee mug at Lavender, startling her into scampering out of the room while hiccoughing and holding in curses as she stubbed her toes on the door.

~~~~~~~

"Harry, I'm just so angry. I can't just leave him and let it go." Hermione was in tears at this point. She had called Harry on her muggle telephone immediately after the encounter in Severus' bedroom and told him all that had taken place. Harry was always able to help her through difficult times. "I have to get him back for this. I…I want him to suffer."

"I know, Hermione, and it's perfectly fine. How long have I been telling you he was a bastard?" Harry tried to comfort her, but she could feel his anger through his strained voice over the phone. 

"What do you think I should do?" She whispered excitedly.

"Little girl," Harry started, "I would never leave you in this alone. He's going to wish for death when we're through with him."

And so several hours passed in which Hermione and Harry contemplated the eternal damnation of one Severus Snape. 

One thing was for sure: Severus' life would be hell from this point on. 

~~~~~~~

Ahhh, it was a short chapter, I know, but it's just the prologue. I guarantee every chapter after will be longer than this x.x Anyway, I'm going to continue depending on whether the story is well received. It's just going to be a light, funny little thing, so tell me, alright? Thanks!

Mucho love!

Tara


	2. 2 Or are you just happy to see me?

Sexerus (The title stays, dammit!)

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the world in which he frolics.

~~~~~~~

The morning found Severus and Hermione sitting side by side at the Head Table for breakfast. Both were superbly uncomfortable. Severus attempted to say 'good morning', but was met with the most disturbing smile he had ever seen. She looked him straight in the eye and waited four or five seconds before releasing a very slow, absolutely frightening smile. 

He shifted his legs and tried to concentrate on his food, despite the fact that a foot was lightly running up and down his leg. Lavender. Oh dear, she was still trying, wasn't she? 

A few minutes into breakfast, Hermione excused herself from the table and left the room. At precisely the same moment, a flamboyantly red owl had flown in through the only open window and dropped quite a large package into Severus' lap. Confused, he pulled the brown box onto the table and looked worriedly at Albus, who similarly had no idea what Severus was holding in his hands. Severus cautiously pulled the box apart, only to be met with a loud whistle from inside of it. The noise had startled him and he pushed himself from the table, sending the package flying as he did so. When it comfortably landed in Minerva's lap, it revealed itself to be none other than a pornographic feature of a very old and wrinkly woman.

"Severus! What is the meaning of this?" Minerva shouted, gathering the attention of all the staff. 

"The meaning of what? What is it?" Severus shouted back, very confused and trying to maintain his balance on the chair. 

"It's…It's…" She couldn't finish her sentence, so she trembled and tentatively held up the magazine for all to see. 

A shocked silence pervaded throughout the entirety of the Great Hall. Lavender Brown was the first to speak, "Severus, is this why you don't look at me when we make love?"

Another shocked silence passed in which Severus could have wrung her neck. Albus tried to clear the air, "Well…uh, this has been an eventful morning, hasn't it? Ah, Hermione's returned."

Hermione, innocent and demure, took her chair and looked inquisitively toward the staff, "Has something happened? You all look so surprised!" 

"Perhaps…perhaps it would be best to put it away, Minerva, before…something should happen to it…." Albus stuttered - a very odd happening indeed.

There was another silence in which Minerva shuffled with the box, trying to return the pornographic scene from whence it came, but another shout broke the quiet, "IS THAT ME?" 

Professor Sprout nearly knocked over her seat standing up. She grabbed the magazine from Minerva's trembling hands. 

"It's me! S-Severus…you, you would do such a thing? Why? Who...what…" She lost the rest of her sentence as she looked at the cover of the lurid magazine, mesmerized by the effect of a soft focus lens on her complexion. She really did look much better on the magazine than in person; her stretch marks had all but disappeared. 

"Professor Sprout, please!" Albus was coming to the end of his tolerance at this point. He accio-ed the magazine from her hands, flipped through the pages (checking for anything suspicious, of course) and burned it at the table.

Severus was fuming at this point - who would send a…Oh. He slowly turned his head to face Hermione, who took a moment to release yet another creepy smile before taking a bite of toast. Oh shit, he thought, and excused himself from the table before he accidentally performed an Unforgivable.

~~~~~~~

"Hermione! I cannot believe you actually went through with this!" Harry laughed over the telephone, "What did he do?"

"Oh, just the usual: turned into to a human gargoyle and ran with his tail between his legs." She laughed along with him and set down her empty shot glass.

"So, what'll you do now you've had your revenge?" 

"You call that revenge? No, no, Harry, it's going to get a lot better than that." Hermione smiled and curled the spiral telephone cord around her fingers, "A lot better." 

There was a pause at the other end. "…I was going to get Fred and George involved on a prank, but do we need to take it any further?"

"Harry, I know Severus too well. I…I hate thinking that it was so easy for him to just…throw everything away. As if I wasn't…anything." She wiped a tear from her cheek, "But you know, I'm going to make him regret it. I won't just end up being another memory. This time, I'll be that important; I'll be on his mind everywhere he goes." 

Hermione could feel the worry on the other end of the phone. Palpable. "Hermione…you still love him." 

Harry wasn't one for tact, after all. He didn't even ask, he'd said it as a statement. And Hermione didn't want to admit anything because, wretchedly, she wasn't sure.

"Maybe," She conceded, "But I hate him just as much."

~~~~~~~

Severus pushed his papers around his desk. He was supposed to be writing a potions article for The Daily Prophet, but he didn't have his heart in it. 

Lavender had showed up earlier as he was about to leave for Hogsmeade and attempted to win him back. He of course would have none of it. She left his office with a headache and a rather large bump from falling on her head after Severus had sidestepped her attempted embrace. Lavender left his presence, humiliated once again, and went back to her librarian duties. 

Severus' relationship with Hermione had been very fruitful; he never realized how dedicated she had been to him until it was too late. And she had told him not to even bother with an apology. This, he mused, had cut them off permanently. Well, that, his sleeping with Lavender, and Hermione pulling an evil prank on him had cut them off permanently… 

He let his head fall dejectedly on his desk and he proceeded to drool all over his papers in his sleep. 

~~~~~~~

Lalala, another short chapter. Sorry about that, but it should end there for now. Ah, I feel refreshed, and I don't know why.

Things have been rather crazy on this side of the 'net, because my family's going through some major shit and I'm caught *riiiight* in the middle. Oh, Happy Easter by the way. And now my ass is asleep. 

Leave a nice review stating exactly how much you love me and this story and THE TITLE of this story (which will NOT be changed, so I'm sorry if you don't like it) The title is great, the title is good, the title is funny and you will laugh too. Okay, that's enough of my ridiculous attempt at rhyming.

-Tara


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